補習-My Father, My Son, My Self

補習-My Father, My Son, My Self

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My father still looks remarkably like I remember him when I was growing up: hair full, body trim, face tanned, eyes sharp. Whats different is his gentleness and patience. I had remembered neither as a boy, and I wondered which of us had changed.


My son Matthew and I had flown to Arizona for a visit, and his 67-year-old grandfather was tuning up his guitar to play for the boy. You know Oh, Give Me a Home Where the Buffalo Roam? my father asked.

All the while, four-year-old Matthew was bouncing on the couch, furtively strumming the guitar he wasnt supposed to touch and talking incessantly.

My father and I were once at great odds. We went through all the classic resentful and rebellious teen stuff: shouting matches, my weird friends, clothes and beliefs. I still vividly recall the revelation that finally came to me one day that I was not my father, and that I could stop trying to prove I wasnt.

When I was a boy, my father wasnt around much. He worked seven days a week as a milkman. But even at work he was the task-master in absentia. Infractions were added up, and at night he dispensed punishment, though rarely beyond a threatening voice or a scolding finger.

I believed that manhood required that I stand up to him, even if it meant fists. One day some friends and I buried our high schools parking-lot barriers under the woodpile for the annual home-coming bonfire.

We hated the things because they kept us from leaving school in our cars until after the buses had left. I thought the prank was pretty funny, and I mentioned it to my father. He didnt think it was funny, and he ordered me to go with him to dig the barriers out.

Can you imagine anything more humiliating at age 16? I refused, and we stood toe to toe. Dad was in a rage, and I thought for an instant that the test had come.

But then he shook his head and calmly walked away. The next day my friends told me that they had seen him at the bonfire celebration. Hed climbed into the woodpile in front of hundreds of kids, pulled out the barriers and left. He never mentioned it to me. He still hasnt.

Despite our father-son struggles, I never doubted my fathers love, which was our lifeline through some pretty rough times. There are plenty of warm memories – he and I on the couch watching TV together, walking a gravel road in Crete, Ill. , as dusk, riding home in a car, singing Red River Valley.

He had this way of smiling at me, this way of tossing a backhanded compliment, letting me know he was prod of me and my achievements. He was a rugged teaser, and it was during his teasing that I always sensed his great, unspoken love. When I was older, I would understand that this is how many men show affection without acknowledging vulnerability. And I imitated his way of saying I love you by telling him his nose was too big or his ties too ugly.

But I cant recall a time my father hugged or hissed me or said he loved me. I remember snuggling next to him on Sunday mornings. I remember the strong, warm feeling of dozing off in his arms. But men, even little men, did not kiss or hug; they shook hands.

There were times much later when I would be going back to college, times when I wanted so badly to hug him. But the muscles wouldnt move with the emotion. I hugged my mother. I shook hands with my father.

Its not what a man says, but what he does that counts, he would say. Words and emotions were suspect. He went to work every day, he protected me, he taught me right from wrong, he made me tough in mind and spirit. It was our bond. It was our barrier.

Ive tried not to repeat what I saw as my fathers mistake. Matthew and I cuddle and kiss good-bye. This is the new masculinity, and its as common today as the old masculinity of my fathers day. But, honestly, I dont believe that in the end the new masculinity will prevent the growing-up conflicts between fathers and sons. All I hope is that Matthew and I build some repository of unconscious joy so that it will remain a lifeline between us through the rough times ahead.

It was only after having a boy of my own that I began to think a lot about the relationship between fathers and sons and to see – and to understand – my own father with remarkable clarity.

If there is a universal complaint from men about their fathers, it is that their dads lacked patience. I remember one rainy day when I was about six and my father was putting a new roof on his mothers house, a dangerous job when its dry, much less wet. I wanted to help. He was impatient and said no. I made a scene and got the only spanking I can recall. He had chuckled at that memory many times over the years, but I never saw the humor.

Only now that Ive struggled to find patience in myself when Matthew insists he help me paint the house or saw down dead trees in the back yard am I able to see that day through my fathers eyes. Whod have guessed Id be angry with my father for 30 years, until I relived similar experiences with my own son, who, I suppose, is angry now with me.

More surprisingly, contrary to my teen-age conviction that I wasnt at all like my father, I have come to the greater realization. I am very much like him. We share the same sense of humor, same stubbornness, same voice even. Although I didnt always see these similarities as desirable, I have grown into them, come to like them.

My father, for instance, has this way of answering the phone. Hellll – o, he says, putting a heavy accent on the first syllable and snapping the o short. Call me today and youll hear Hellll – o, just like the old an. Every time I hear myself say it, I feel good.

This new empathy for my father has led me to a startling insight: if I am still resolving my feelings about my father, then when I was a boy my father was still resolving his feelings about his father.

He raised me as a result of and as a reaction to his own dad, which links my son not only to me and my father, but to my fathers father and, I suspect, any number of Harrington fathers before. I imagine that if the phone had rung as the first Harrington stepped of the boat, hed have answered by saying, Hellll –o.

For reasons to profound and too petty to tell, there was a time years ago when my father and I didnt speak or see each other. I finally gave up my stubbornness and visited unexpectedly. For two days we talked, of everything and nothing. Neither mentioned that we hadnt seen each other in five years.

I left as depressed as Ive ever been, knowing that reconciliation was impossible. Two days later I got the only letter my father ever sent me. Im the writer, hes the milkman. But the letters tone and cadence, its emotion and simplicity might have been my own.

I know that if I had it to do over again, he wrote, I would somehow find more time to spend with you. It seems we never realize this until its too late.

It turned out that as he had watched me walk out the door after our visit – at the instant I was thinking we were hopelessly lost to each other – he was telling himself to stop me, to sit down and talk, that if we didnt he might never see me again. But I just let you go, he wrote.

I realized that his muscles just hadnt been able to move with the emotion, which is all I ever really needed to know.

Not long ago, Matthew asked me, sons can grow up to be their daddies, right? This was no small struggling for insight, and I was careful in my response. No, I said, sons can grow up to be like their daddies in some ways, but they cant be their daddies. They must be themselves. Matthew would hear nothing of these subtleties.

Sons can grow up to be their daddies! he said defiantly. They can. I didnt argue. It made me feel good.

All morning I am anxious. Matthew and I are about to leave Arizona for home, and I am determined to do something I have never done.

There is a time in every sons life when he resents the echoes reminding him that, for all his vaunted individuality, he is his fathers son. But thee should also come a time – as it had for me – when these echoes call out only the understanding that the generations have melded and blurred without threat.

So just before my son and I walk through the gate and onto our plane, I lean over, hug my father and say, I want you to know that I love you. That I always have.

父親、兒子和我

（美）沃爾特•哈林頓


父親還是我孩提記得的模樣：臉色黑里透紅，目光炯炯有神。一頭濃發更使他儀表堂堂。不過，他現在比過去溫和耐心多了。當初可不。也不知道是誰起了變化，是他還是我？

我和兒子馬修乘飛機去亞利桑那看望父親，六十七歲的父親調好吉他給孫子彈奏。知道哦，我想有個個家，野牛在它周圍溜達這首歌嗎？

那當兒，四歲的馬修一直在沙發上蹦跳，偷偷亂撥他不該碰的吉他，口里還絮絮叨叨個沒完。

我和父親曾格格不入，劍拔弩張。那是成長時期的兒子與父親常有的敵對。我們咋咋呼呼的比賽、我們的衣著、我的信仰，以及我處的朋友，都為父親所不屑。現在我還清楚地記得，孩提時，有一天我突然意識到，我和父親不一樣，我也不必證明我們不一樣。

孩提時父親常不在家。他是個送奶工，每周工作七天。即便外出，他也是個缺席監工。我們在家犯的錯誤被一一記著，晚上回家他再找我們算帳，但卻很少遭責罵或嚇唬。

那時，我認為，作為男子漢，我得勇敢地面對他，哪怕是吃拳頭。有一次，我和幾個朋友把學校停車場的柵欄埋在柴堆里，準備用來燒一年一度的篝火，慶祝放假。

我們恨這些柵欄，因為它擋著我們，只有等公共汽車走完之后，我們才能乘自己的車離校。我覺得這惡作劇很好玩，就跟父親提了此事。可他一點也不覺得好玩，命我立即跟他一塊去把柵欄扒出來。

你能想象，對于十六歲的我，當時還有比這更丟臉的嗎？我當然不干，我們針鋒相對。父親氣極了，那一刻，我意識到考驗的時刻到了。

可他卻搖搖頭平靜地走了。第二天朋友告訴我篝火慶祝會上看見我的父親了。他當著幾百個孩子的面爬上柴堆，扒出埋在里面的柵欄后走了。他從來沒跟我提及此事，至今沒有提過。

盡管我們格格不入，但我從不懷疑父親很愛我，這便是連接我們的紐帶。當然也有不少溫馨的記憶----我們一同坐在沙發上看電視；一塊在伊利諾洲克里特的碎石小道上散步；夕陽中一起唱著《紅河谷》驅車回家。

父親從不正面贊揚我；還常常對我冷嘲熱諷，卻從中透露著對我的自豪以及對我的成功的喜悅。父親粗魯、樸實。愛戲弄人，可我從這戲弄中感受到深厚的父愛。長大了些以后，我開始明白這是男人為避免脆弱而表達愛的方式。我也學著他的樣，想說我愛你時，卻說他的鼻子太大或者領帶太難看。

父親似乎從不摟抱我、親吻我。可星期天早晨擠進他的被窩，偎在他懷里睡著時的溫暖感覺，我至盡記憶猶新。可是男人，即便是小男人也不摟摟抱抱。男人握手！

上大學時每次有家返校時，我特別想擁抱父親，但還是抑制住了。我擁抱母親，而只與父親握手！

父親常說，男人重要的不在說而在做。語言和感情靠不住。他每天上班，他護著我，他教我辨別真偽，他培養我堅定的信念，堅強我的性格。這便是我們的契約，我們的屏障。

有了兒子以后我努力避免父親的錯誤，對馬修很親昵。這是男子氣概的嶄新表現方式。如今親善的臉孔已取代了父親那個時代嚴厲的臉孔。可是，父子間的親善并不能避免成長期兒子與父親之間的矛盾。我只希望我和兒子馬修的親昵與快樂有助于我們在今后的困難歲月中努力協同，共度難關。

我是在有了兒子以后才開始思考父子間的關系，開始深刻理解了自己的父親。

所有男人都會抱怨自己的父親缺乏耐心。記得六歲時，一個陰雨天，父親在給祖母蓋屋頂。這活兒晴天都有危險，何況雨天？我想幫忙，他卻極不耐煩地把我推到一邊，我不干，結果屁股挨了一頓2。多少年過去了，每想到此事他就竊笑，可我一點不覺有什么好笑。

如今每當馬修吵著要幫我刷墻，幫我鋸后院的枯樹，我拼命忍住性子時，才明白父親當年眼睛流露的含義。可我為此跟父親嘔了三十年氣呢！有了類似經歷以后我才理解了父親的苦心。而今，兒子也許正因為此而生我的氣呢。

十幾歲時我認為自己和父親截然不同，現在才發現自己很像父親：一樣的幽默，一樣的固執，甚至一樣的聲音。我并不以為這種相似后和稱心，可我生成如此。

比方說父親接電話時總是口音很夸張第一個音節，吞掉了第二個音節。給我打電話，你會發現我也和老爸一樣，哈羅！，對自己的口音還感覺良好。

與父親的如此想象使我吃驚地意識到：如果我現在在解析自己對父親的感情，那么當年我還是孩子時，父親也一定在解析他對自己父親的感情。

父親像他父親養育他那樣地養育了我，這不僅聯系了兒子、我和父親，而且聯系了我父親的父親乃至整個哈利頓家族。我猜，第一位哈利頓下船登陸時，那時若有電話的話，他接電話時一定也是哈羅！

幾年前因為某些微妙的原因，我和父親一度不往來了。最終我克服了自己的固執，出其不意去拜訪父親。我們談了整整兩天，似乎什么都談了，又似乎什么都沒談。誰都沒談我們五年都沒見面的事。

離開父親時我很沮喪，我想，和好如初是不可能的了。兩天后我收到父親給我寫的唯一一封信。我是作家，他是送奶工。但他寫信的基調、節奏、感情與簡潔與我如出一轍。

假如生活重來一次，我會贏得更多的你留在我身邊的時間。我們總是在事情每法挽回時才看清真相。他信上說。

我要離開父親時----那一刻我覺得我們父子間的默然已是無以復加----父親心里一直嘀咕，留住他，讓他坐下來再談談，否則他可能不會再來看我了。可我還是讓你走了。父親寫道。

我發現父親感情不善言表，我早該知道的。

不久前馬修問我：兒子長大后跟爸爸一樣，是嗎？兒子試圖在洞察生活。我小心謹慎地回答：不，兒子長大后可能某些方面象爸爸，但他們不可能跟爸爸一模一樣。他們應該是他們自己。馬修一定沒聽出來其中的微妙。

兒子長大后就跟爸爸一樣！就能跟爸爸一樣。他爭辯說。我沒反駁。他的固執令我竊喜。

我和馬修準備離開亞利桑那回家了。整整一個早晨我心里七上八下不能平靜。我決定做一件從未做過的事情。

兒子們成長中總有這樣一段時期，盡管他具有可吹噓的個性，但他的模仿還是讓他記起他只是父親的兒子。這種模仿促使他們理解了不靠威脅，兩代人完全可以理解、溝通。

帶兒子登機之前，我彎下身子，摟著父親說：爸爸，我愛你，我一直很愛你。





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